Life's Sugarfree Instructions

I got an email this week. The heading was Life’s Little Instructions. You know the kind. Pictures of nauseatingly cute puppies and kittens with sickening captions like, Be Kind. Take time to wonder at the beauty of the sky. Yeah right. If I’m looking at the sky, I’m on my back, and the closest I’m going to get to appreciating the heavens in that position is to scream out oh god.

So I decided to make my own set of Life’s Little Instructions, complete with the kind of picture I prefer (I stole it from the cover of one of my books). I am not emailing it to anybody. You won’t get 20 years bad luck if you don’t pass it on. No-one is going to send you a million dollars if you send it to 200 other victims, no kid in Lithuania is going to get a wheelchair if you click on it 1000 times. I don’t actually care if no one reads it. This is me. You make your own.

Life’s Real Instructions.

1. In a crisis - Eat chocolate. There is no problem that cannot be eased by eating chocolate.

2. When things are going fine – Eat chocolate

3. In moments of passion – Lick chocolate from the skin of the one who pleasures you (Note: In spite of what your mother said, it is okay to lick your fingers)

4. Never learn to program or adjust televisions, remotes, DVD players, or cable.

5. Make sure the cable guy is hot. Don’t be afraid to ring around until you find the right one.

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If the tax man wants to know what you’ve earned…let him come to you and ask. The cute nerd thing works with accountants too.

7. God made Adam first - so a man would be there ready to do the stuff women don’t want to do... and the things we do want to do.

8. Money spent on shoes is an investment. Money spent on boots is a necessary cost of living.

9. Too many and shoes do not belong in the same sentence.

10. Grab all the pleasure you can whenever you can.

11. Ignore the bad stuff. It will probably go away. If it doesn’t - keep ignoring it.

12. Never do anything because someone says it is good for you. This usually means you will hate it.

13. Try being bad. It won’t be good for you – just good.

14. Do not be nice to children and small animals. Why bother? They won’t care.

15. The exception to this is if the leash of either of the former is held by a hot guy.

16. Drink champagne only on special occasions.

17. Every breath you take is a special occasion.

18. Do not undertake self improvement courses. Every day, in every way, you are perfectly fine as you are.

19. Love yourself. (But be careful of the chocolate stains - see point 3)

20. Never read any stupid instruction lists - including this one.